


my tears ricochet

by from_a_recklesswriter



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F, Supercorpxfolklore, angst-y songfic, if ur a swiftie and a supercorp stan then you know what i mean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-21
Updated: 2020-08-21
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:00:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25780222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/from_a_recklesswriter/pseuds/from_a_recklesswriter
Summary: Like I've said on tumblr, My Tears Ricochet is such a Lena-centric Supercorp song.and also, the rest of folklore give so much Supercorp vibes.
Relationships: Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor
Kudos: 45





	my tears ricochet

**Author's Note:**

> Y'all better be listening to My Tears Ricochet whilst reading this or else what was the fucking point?

_We gather here  
We line up weeping in a sunlit room  
And if I'm on fire  
You'll be made of ashes, too _

The satisfaction of punching Supergirl in the face, lasts approximately 30 seconds. 30 seconds where Lena feels relief flood through her body at the thought of maiming the deceitful hero. 30 seconds. And then everything comes crashing back at her. Her A.I's voice, the barely-there feel of the lenses and the throbbing ache.

There will always be the throbbing ache. As if she was on fire. As if there was a gash. As if she was stabbed. It felt like all the types of pain in the world, condensed into one.

Lena had only ever been to one funeral all her life. Lionel's. She remembers Lex's ashen face, Lillian's black scarf and watching it all like some stiff noir film. 

That was the first time she's ever felt grief, she remembers crying for her deceased mother during those first few days at the Manor. 

But this one? This one is much more tangible, maybe it's because of the fact that she's older and she can now comprehend complex emotions. Complex emotions that Lionel provoked out of her with his gentle pats on the back whenever Lena shows off her intellect, with his low but genuine laugh whenever Lena says egg-related puns at the breakfast table. Complex emotions that Lillian never forgets to remind her to hide.

Before the casket is fully lowered to the ground, Lena contemplates whispering a brief _I love you, Dad_

That was how it felt to watch the screen project all the proof that her best friend had been lying to her. All complex emotions, all grief yet she needs to hide because she had just shot a hole through his brother.

A funeral. A stiff noir film where she played the role of the fool. 

Where she was the one who pulled the trigger but somehow she was also the one who ended up dead. Something inside her died. She had just watched her world burn, memories of laughter and lunch dates now frayed with burnt edges, snippets of kind-hearted articles and genuine praises now up in smoke. She wishes she can turn Kara Danvers to ashes too.

* * *

_Even on my worst day  
Did I deserve, babe  
All the hell you gave me?  
'Cause I loved you  
I swear I loved you  
Till my dying day_

She's on her third glass of scotch. The words Luthor and mergers and stocks echo around in her head. She was alone again, --as usual-- in her vast office where she feels so fucking powerful every time a new deal is closed.

She is a Luthor after all.

Was it because of that? Was it because all this time she was just a Luthor? Unredeemable, even in her best friend's eye? Maybe she did deserve it after all. For being the daughter of the head of CADMUS, for feeling love for the man who almost destroyed Metropolis, for creating lead poisoning to drive off a fleet of aliens, for creating more Kryptonite.

But despite that—she thinks—didn't she save the world during the process too? Even on her worst days, her thoughts are still always just comprised of how to help Kara, how to save Kara, how to save the news company Kara works at, how to save Sam because she means so much to both Kara and her and just _Kara, Kara, Kara-_ So really, did she really deserve all this?

When all she ever did was love.

Because, Christ she's falling apart and getting drunk in her office, shattering photo frames with glasses of scotch and still she loves Kara. She loves her with every blood cell that's ever run through her veins, with every thump of her heart, with every fucking fiber of her being. She's given her, her all and she feels like she will continue to give Kara her all until her last breath--her dying day.

* * *

_I didn't have it in myself to go with grace  
And you're the hero flying around saving face  
And if I'm dead to you why are you at the wake?  
Cursing my name  
Wishing I stayed  
Look at how my tears ricochet  
_

Luthors don't play dirty.

No, they calculate each and every move before going in for the kill. That was one of the many lessons she's learned whilst playing chess with her brother. Each second dedicated to formulating a plan, concocting scheme after scheme until the desired result is achieved. In this case the desired result is pain. Not just any pain, no, but pain like the one that Lena felt--is still feeling.

The pain that sears through every molecule of her entire being. Pain that is endless, that leaves you gaping and gasping and wishing you have never opened up your life to anyone.

Heartbreak. Pure and utter heartbreak.

That was the desired result.

And Andrea Rojas is going to help her get that result.

She sold CatCo, and like expected Kara came to Lena; seeking out a logical reason why a stranger just showed up and is turning her beloved home upside down. It was so worth it to see Kara's face fall. As she uttered lie after lie of, _"And really, Kara I only bought the company because I knew how much it meant to you-"_

Well, maybe that one wasn't much of a lie, but still.

Is this how Kara felt? Whenever she lied to her before zooming away to yet another non-existent family emergency, CatCo emergency and fucking _flew on a bus._

Between the two of them sometimes Lena doesn't know who was much more of an idiot.

But then, the Pulitzer party happened. And suddenly, the schemes, the plot, the plans went down the drain. _"Lena, please say something."_

She walks away, she doesn't have it in her to fall with grace. If she chose to open her mouth during that moment she doesn't know what she'll say. All her responses are two extremes of a spectrum from "I hope you burn." to "I love you so fucking much and it's killing me."

So Lena walks away.

This wasn't part of the plan. Kara was supposed to be the hero saving face, she wasn't supposed to be telling her the truth and wishing Lena stayed and said something. No, it wasn't—just— _fuck._

She was aware she was crying. The tears streaking her face, leaving stains and then she's doing a speech about Kara's pursuit of the truth and she's watching her from the crowd and Lena feels her tears ricochet.

Kara goes up to get her award, embraces Lena, cries and sobs in each other's arms.

Not the desired result, but Lena still has a couple tricks up her sleeves. Kara might be a liar but she's a Luthor, and bidding her time before uttering, "Checkmate." is one of her best traits.

* * *

_We gather stones  
Never knowing what they'll mean  
Some to throw  
Some to make a diamond ring  
You know I didn't want to  
Have to haunt you  
But what a ghostly scene  
You wear the same jewels  
That I gave you  
As you bury me_

Heavy—so damn heavy—is what it feels like to lie to Lena for almost 4 years.

It feels like gathering stone after stone and putting it in her pocket, weighing her down every single day. That was why the moment she sees Lena backstage the floodgates opened and Kara's sobbing. Every lie, every fear, every stone becomes upturned.

The pressure is finally over. She's told the truth and Kara knows what it feels like to fly but it doesn't compare to the high that her confession to Lena, brings.

And then everything went wrong.

She brought Lena to the Fortress because she couldn't wait to tell her everything. She finally, finally can show her best friend every part of her; both Kryptonian roots and human vulnerabilities.

But then, she's being trapped in a glass case and there's Kryptonite and Lena-

She was crying, angelic face now painted with tears.

She was screaming and sobbing and Kara is powerless. She watches as Lena takes out a watch, similar to the one she gave her. I

t feels like dying and being buried but instead of a casket, she's here in a glass case; instead of soil she's here covered in Kryptonite.

_"No! I killed my brother for you! For our friends! Don't you understand what you've done?!"_

She can feel Lena slip through her fingers before she's even slipped into the portal.

_"I'm not a villain, you shouldn't have treated me like one."_

She doesn't want to do this. But Alex, Alex is so convinced that Lena had finally turned to the dark side. She knows better. She knows Lena. She isn't-no.

Lena is good and pure and _hurt._

Because of her. Lena is so hurt because of her. Kara doesn't want to do this. She feels like a ghost haunting Lena, as her hologram gets terminated. She feels like a monster. She's never meant to hurt her.

It was supposed to keep her safe, the lie was there to keep her safe. But she was wrong. Oh, how wrong she had been. She wonders what Lena must have felt all those weeks she was alone—feeling betrayed, abandoned, played like a fool.

_"I wept real tears for you."_

* * *

_I didn't have it in myself to go with grace  
'Cause when I'd fight, you used to tell me I was brave  
And if I'm dead to you why are you at the wake?  
Cursing my name  
Wishing I'd stayed  
Look at how my tears ricochet  
_

"You're too good and too smart to follow in her path. Be your own hero."

Kara used to tell her that,—well Supergirl did—that she was brave when she fights back. Now, she doesn't know what she is, as she frantically tries to turn off the canons pointed at Supergirl.

Was this still considered brave? She was fighting back wasn't she?

And then, she remembers that what Kara says doesn't matter anymore. _"No, no. You don't ever get to tell me who or what I am again."_

Tears are streaming down her face once again as she curses Kara, curses her traitorous heart, wishing Kara stayed instead.

The canons were disabled. She hates how much relief flows through her.

* * *

_And I can go anywhere I want  
Anywhere I want  
Just not home  
_

She realizes she's reached the Middle East and is close to Asia when she spots the deserts beneath her.

She can fly and fly and fly but she can never get far enough. Problem is, she doesn't really want to go far away from Lena. There is one place she would like to go, though; home. Krypton. But she can't.

She can go anywhere she wants on earth from North Pole to the other side and back again, but she can never go home again. It was fine, really. For a few years there, she was fine. Because she found a new home.

_Lena._

Lena was home, even if she didn't know who Kara really was. Kara didn't even know she was lost until Lena showed up and made her realize her purpose. They shared the same goal; to step out of their family's shadow and be their own person, their own hero. Kara wanted to go back and flee to Lena's arms like she had done so many times before. But she can't. She doesn't have that right any more. She can't go home.

Her home was gone.

* * *

If Jess was here, she'd probably chastise Lena and drag her home. And then she remembers, she doesn't have a home. Well, she's got a place to stay, a very fancy place actually. But that wasn't her home.

She hates that there's a nagging voice in her head insisting that she does, in fact, have a home; that her home was an old NCU sweater that wasn't hers. That her home was losing in Monopoly even though she was a business woman, it was plumerias and Big Belly Burger in between board meetings. It was blue eyes and blonde hair and crinkles.

She was rich. She can buy any place in the world, go anywhere that she desires, live in the most lavish home she can afford. But the one thing, the one person, the one place she covets, she cannot have.

Before that, she believes she had a home back in Metropolis. Inside the expensive excuse of a palace for a home.

That home was filled with competitive chess matches and secret science experiments. It was a big brother sneaking in packets of sweets under her door after every dinner. It was a charming young man protecting his sister from lousy first dates. It was incinerated the moment her brother disappeared and what took its place was a monster that Lena didn't recognize—didn't recognize and wasn't prepared for.

So, no. She doesn't have a home.

* * *

_And you can aim for my heart, go for blood_

"If you decide to forgive me, I will be there for you. If you continue to work with Lex, if you go through with whatever it is you two are planning, I will do everything in my power to stop you. Just like I would any other villain."

_But you would still miss me in your bones_

* * *

_And I still talk to you  
When I'm screaming at the sky_

She doesn't even know why she's doing this; standing outside in her balcony at 2 am.

The city lights were pretty. That was what made her pick this place in the first place. Her own neon city painting laid out just for her viewing pleasure. But she wasn't really watching the lights. No, she was watching the sky.

She would never admit it. Although, in her deepest depths she knows she's searching for movement, for a dash of red. "Wonder if you'll still be saving me, Supergirl." she whispers into the harsh night air.

She feels like screaming, really. She wants to; just to let it all out. Because there's just so much inside of her right now, Lex is back, Lillian isn't behind bars, there's a new Earth, her best friend is part of a shady cult that takes advantage of a medallion.

Like she said, it was too much. And she was all alone.

_So fucking alone._

"I miss you."

She wishes the cold wind delivers it to distant ears.

* * *

_And when you can't sleep at night  
You hear my stolen lullabies_

It was 2 am. Kara still can't sleep. She's tried fixing her bed and when that didn't work she tried flying around checking on Alex and the Tower and then back again to bed. It still didn't work, nothing worked. Although, she does know one thing that would work and get her to sleep.

Zoning in on a certain person's heartbeat.

She hadn't done that in a while, she doesn't have the right. It feels like a breach of privacy. It feels like overstepping silent boundaries that they've put up against each other. See, that's funny because-

_"For a friend like you, there are no boundaries."_

It doesn't mean it's not tempting though.

She didn't know how vital that little trick had been in her every day life until it was taken away from her. She hadn't realized how much she had relied on Lena's heartbeat to keep her grounded until she couldn't anymore. She discovered that on the Waverider.

When everything and everyone was destroyed and her heart was pounding out of her chest and she's felt like she's cried every sob she can cry and then she realized that there was no heartbeat to calm her down. The sobs started all anew.

It was 2 am, and everything is spiraling around her that she hadn't noticed that she had cast her superhearing for a wider range until-

"Wonder if you'll still be saving me, Supergirl,"

Kara felt time stop. The voice was so clear and rich but quiet, as if it was a secret whisper to the wind. She wanted to immediately fly there and-

"I miss you."

This time, Kara felt the entire universe stop.

_I miss you too. I miss you so, so much._

She fell asleep to a familiar heartbeat and slow breaths somewhere from the far end of the city; lulling her as if a stolen lullaby.

* * *

_I didn't have it in myself to go with grace  
And so the battleships will sink beneath the waves_

Kara couldn't do this, she can't just let Lena go like this. Everybody expects that Supergirl is all grace under pressure, still resilient after every war. But this? This thing with Lena? She can't be what everyone expects her to be when it comes to her. 

So she conceded, made a deal with a fifth-dimensional being even if it would get messy, even if it looked so gracelessly out of character. She would do anything for Lena, anything.

So when Mxyzptlk appeared she shamelessly agreed to go back and fix time.

"You're not seriously thinking of doing this are you?" J'onn questions but she can't refuse this chance because-

"What if I could change things? If I told Lena I was Supergirl, before Lex, maybe she would've reacted differently. I mean, isn't that worth a try?" Lena was worth every damn try.

"Changing history to save a friendship? Kara, I don't-I don't know." Alex argued. Kara wanted to shout, _"But it isn't just a friendship, Alex! This is Lena."_

Instead she says, "This is changing history to save history, cause Lex and Lena are planning something horrible and we are no closer to finding out what that is. And when the fight comes, I don't know if I have what it takes to stop her." she tries to appeal to them in a battle strategy way, trying to get them to see logic. 

Because Kara does know, Kara knows she doesn't have it in her to stop Lena. She would gladly be killed if it meant keeping Lena happy.

Rao, she was so in deep.

* * *

_You had to kill me, but it killed you just the same_

"I won't fight you, Lena."

"Then you'll die screaming."

She wonders if Lena could see this, if her Lena, the real Lena who is back in National City could see this. Would it hurt as bad as Kara feels? Would she also think that a world where they never became friends is such a lifeless world? Would it kill Lena to see this? To see what they had become?

That was the last reality that Mxy had showed her but she couldn't help but replay all the other countless realities before that.

* * *

_Cursing my name_

"I finally told Lena I was Supergirl."

"Wow, how did-how did she take it?"

"Not well. I don't blame her. I mean I'm supposed to be her best friend and I..I lied and betrayed her just like everyone else in her life has. So what do I do?"

"You know, Lena and I have a lot in common. We've both been betrayed by our own families. And when the people who are supposed to love you the most let you down, it just makes you feel so vulnerable you know? But my mother and the Luthors, they betrayed Lena for their own selfish reasons. They wanted to take advantage of her. You lied to protect her. Because she's your friend. Now, I know Lena's hurting right now, but once she understand that. She'll forgive you."

"I hope you're right. I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive myself."

And it's true, Kara is cursing herself, for being so stupid, being so selfish with Lena. She doesn't know if she's ever going to forgive herself for what she had done to her best friend. She really, really hopes that Mon-el was right, but then-

"And I did it without Kryptonite." and then Lena was dying in her arms, and oh, Rao no! She wasn't supposed to die in this version, no, no.

"Mxy, they're all dead. Please get me out of here."

_Wishing I stayed_

"It's you. Kara Danvers is Supergirl." Lena says and Kara can't help but beam. Lena isn't mad. She just told her the truth and she's not mad and-

"Yeah." Kara murmurs breathlessly, the look on Lena's face is priceless. This is it, this is the reality she's been aiming for.

"I can't believe I was fooled by a pair of glasses."

"Don't worry a lot of people are."

"Oh god, I have to recall all those alien detection devices 'cause they clearly don't work."

"You're not angry."

"No, it's incredible. I mean you're incredible!"

Oh, Rao, Lena if only you knew how incredible you also are.

"But, why are you trusting me with such a big secret? You barely know me."

"Because I know that what you want more than anything is to do good. And I know it's hard for you to trust people. But I need you to know now, without a doubt, I trust you."

Why? Why didn't she just do this earlier? Why did she have to be so fucking selfish and scared?

"My cousin, your brother? They got it wrong. Imagine what we could do together. A Luthor and a Super working together as a team."

"If we were partners we could change the world."

She wants to stay here. Where everything is perfect and a Luthor and a Super are working together, but it was always too good to be true.

She wishes it wasn't the case. She wishes she can stay here instead.

_You turned into your worst fears_

"Every morning when I wake up, I imagine this moment. The moment where being Supergirl gets someone I love killed. And I have to push that fear so far down, or I can't get out of bed. But now, here it is. My greatest fear just staring me right in the face. I have to save Lena, I have to." She says and her eyes are pleading with Winn, _tell me I can do this, tell me I can save her even if it means exposing my greatest secret._

But the truth is, she can't.

Expose the truth and everyone will die.

So she goes back and again and again. But nothing, nothing she ever does matter in the end. There are still no realities where Lena will take kindly to what Kara has done. 

Even with the help of a fifth dimensional being. They have to live with their choices.

And doing that, fucking hurts like hell.

* * *

__

_And you're tossing out blame_

"But what about all the ways you hurt me? You pretended to be my friend for weeks, just so you could manipulate me, you stole from me, convinced me to steal for you, and-and then, you even used Kyrptonite on me." 

Looking back, Kara now realizes how easy it was to toss out blame to Lena like this. And she hates herself for it, hates how she made Lena feel insignificant yet again. 

Telling her it was her fault. Telling her she didn't understand. She hates how blinded she was by pain. Her mind can't help but go back to that fateful day.

__

* * *

Drunk on this pain

"Thank you for letting me in, Kara. It's been a year and I still haven't come to terms with what I did. Shot my brother, I mean I really thought I was protecting everyone but it really started all that-" 

"I don't want to talk about the past. All that matters now, is the threat ahead of us and how we're going to stop it." 

"Understood." 

It suddenly registers to her how small Lena's voice had become; so different from the powerful CEO she used to call her best friend. 

Kara didn't mean to snap at Lena like that. But Rao, everything just hurts. She has been hurting the second she saw Lena at her doorstep. She has been hurting ever since the beginning of all this. 

She wants to stop whatever impending doom Lex had planned, but that means keeping all her emotions in control and she can feel herself slipping. 

She was drunk on pain. 

__

* * *

_Crossing out the good years_

"Talk about history repeating itself. Tracking Lex down through Eve. This is just like Kaznia." Lena looks up just in time to see Kara look away. "Please, Kara, I'm sorry. Okay? I truly believed what I was doing was helping other people." 

"I told you I don't want to talk about the past." 

Of course Kara doesn't want to talk about the past. Lena was stupid to say that; bringing Kaznia up like that. Kara had probably crossed out all the times she's ever been with Lena by now, anyway.

Who wants to remember being wrecked anyway? Who would want to talk about the person who threatened their life? Who would ever want to speak about knowing a Luthor? 

"Oh, come on, you can scream at me if you like. I know I deserve it." And Lena does. Hell, she knows she deserves it all too well. 

* * *

__

_And you're cursing my name_

"This isn't about Lex! This is about J'onn and Alex and all the other people that could've been killed today because they were on my team. Don't you understand that?" 

"No, I do. Of course, I do." Her voice was sounding desperate now. 

"No, you don't. You have never understood what it means sharing a secret identity with someone, how much danger that puts them in. Y-you've never even understtod that I kept my identity from you because I wanted to protect you!!" Kara knows she's raised her voice. 

Emotions were flooding out of her. All the things she wanted to say to Lena these past few months slipping out. Things she knows she means and things she knows she'll regret saying. 

"And I know, I know that I hurt you by waiting so long to tell my truth but-" 

Kara was right in cursing her. It was what she deserved. What all the Luthors deserve. What she'll make sure Lex will get. 

"I made one mistake, one mistake that was only ever meant to protect you and in return all you ever did was hurt me in every way imaginable." 

She took one look at Lena and knows how much of a mistake she was making. 

Kara was being a hypocrite right now, telling Lena that she only made one mistake. But she can't help it. She feels like a wounded animal lashing out, blaming the other party when she damn well knows she's made more than just one mistake. Because every time that she chose to lie to Lena that was a new mistake all over again. 

She knows what she's doing is the same thing that Lena did when Kara broke her. Hurting the person they love just because their wounds are being rubbed with salt. 

"I'm sorry." 

"I know you are. But if you came to me looking for absolution, I can't give it to you." 

She knows they still have a lot to talk about but then Eve's location pops up and unto the war they go. 

__

* * *

_Wishing I stayed  
Look at how my tears ricochet_

"-but I do know what was driving you. You didn't want to tell me who you were because you didn't want me to get hurt." 

Kara takes a deep breath as she hears Lena utters those words. "But I did get hurt. And I did what I always do when people hurt me. I build a wall and I suffocated behind it." 

"But I see yours now, and I'm very sorry it took me so long." she finishes sincerely, keeping her arms crossed to prevent herself from reaching out and wrapping herself around Kara and completely shattering and just sob in her arms. 

Kara breathes, fidgets, looks down and back again at Lena. "You know when you showed up at my door, this morning. I-I didn't want to let you in. I kept waiting for you to let me down, but at every turn you came through. Building that suit, protecting my identity, supporting me. I wasn't ready to accept you apology, but maybe, maybe I am now." 

Kara softly smiles. 

God, it's been so long since Lena had seen that smile and oh, God, she was gonna cry. 

She tries to collect herself and ask, "Okay.What now?" 

"Well, there's still one bad guy left to catch" 

"Let's go take my brother down." She offers her hand. Kara only scoffs at her says, "What? No! Come here." 

Then, Kara pulls her by her outstretched hand and then embraces her. Holding on so tightly. Afraid that Lena was going to disappear, she feels like weeping. 

She wishes she can stay in Kara's arms forever. 

God, it has been so, so, so long. Kara was assaulting all of her senses, she can feel how soft she is, how sweet her hair smells, how fucking warm everything feels. She can feel sad tears streaming down; mourning for all the lost time, but then Kara murmurs a soft, "I love you." then her tears ricochet and a smile graces her lips.

**Author's Note:**

> I did not know I had it in me to write that much angst and sadness and longing. It took me quite a while to finish this. I hope all you lovely people appreciate it. Don't worry the next part of this series will be loving and fluffy. Gush with me in the comments how folklore is such a Supercorp album? :)


End file.
